Note: I was contemplating whether to post this or not, the incident is still new and the cut was fresh… please don’t ask too many questions, just pray for us.

After going through the recovery period of pre-eclampsia, I had a new setback to conquer. I went to National Heart Center for Echocardiogram and the doctor’s appointment. Then they found out that my heart is very weak and it is pumping at the rate of one third of a normal person. It was the reason of my shortness of breath that I experienced. I googled it after hearing the result and found that this heart condition is a rare condition called PeriPartum Cardiomyopathy.

Peripartum cardiomyopathy is rare disorder in which a weakened heart is diagnosed. A condition of unknown cause that occurs in previously healthy women during the peripartum period. It is characterized by left ventricular dysfunction and symptoms of heart failure that can arise in the last trimester of pregnancy or up to 5 months after delivery. Most likely it is linked to pre-eclampsia.

When the doctor told me about it, I was calm until she mentioned that I can’t breastfeed because the medication will cross the breast milk. I teared non-stop. I felt like being robbed from the one thing that I can do for Savannah. I took my breastfeeding very seriously, pumping religiously every 3 hours around the clock. Although it did affect my sleep and probably my health, I will do it for my baby. So not being able to do that anymore, crushed me to my core.
Actually breast milk is not the only solution, there are formula milk to substitute and lots of premature babies drink formula milk from the start and do well.

I seek comfort in my closed Facebook group for Preemies and Mummies 2012 and found encouragement and support from the mommies there whose preemies also drank formula. Even my lactation specialist ensure me that for Savannah’s weight gain, formula milk might be better. Of course nothing compare to my breast milk, but it’s not the end of the road.

Actually it’s not about formula milk or breast milk that bothers me. Breastfeeding has been my main task throughout this confinement and sort of my routine.I have grown to enjoy it and Winston is really a great help. It was a big blow for me not to breastfeed again.

However, being there and giving her tender loving care through kangaroo care or touching are something that will benefit her as well.

I’m still coming to terms to the fact that I couldn’t breastfeed, but I know that God is still in control. The devil might mean this for evil, but He will protect me and deliver me from the evil one.
“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.”(Psalm 34:19)

During my last pumping session, I was watching the story of Jill McCloghry, Hillsongs’ worship leader, who had miscarriage 1.5 weeks before the recording of “This Is Our God” album. “Desert Song” became the theme song of my last pump. My faith and hope raised up and I claimed my healing immediately. I believed I will be healed from all this ordeal, because that’s His promise.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEE4gvyFN2s]